NON BINARY

Do you have children more than 2 years apart? I do. My two children, Liam, 9, and Hazel, 13, run the gamut of their age differences.

#nonbinary #susanstrasser #susanstrasserblog #amwriting

Sometimes I wish that my children were closer in age as they might be more relatable to one another- what if Liam were 11 and Hazel were 13, for instance? A ‘tween and a teen?

Liam might begin to understand why his older sister likes so much alone time in her room sitting on her bed chilling?

But other times I am glad that they are four years apart because my boy still enjoys simple free movies occasionally at his elementary school with a buddy, whereas my oldest wouldn’t dream of visiting her alma mater for such things!

I was texting with a good friend the other night from one of our local kid hotspots- Urban Air- and telling her about Liam having a rollicking good time there while I was also wrestling with Hazel’s identity this school year as non-binary.

Let me begin watching my pronouns now! When they first came out to us as non-binary, I knew it was a big deal as part of their adolescent identity, but the full impact, to be honest, hasn’t really hit me until lately.

I thought and still think, naively, I admit, well, at least they aren’t trans? Or asking us to help them be so? Or is this an easier label than gay?

I tell you, I have learned a lot about my oldest child and how middle school sure isn’t the same as when I was there 40 years ago, and it isn’t even the same as when I was first teaching it over 20 years ago!

Hazel has told us how kids talk about their genders often, if not daily, and the ridicule they receive for standing in their truth. They often wear a rainbow hoodie, which we’ve replaced for them once now because it makes them happy and proud, and while my husband and I get tired of seeing them in it, I kinda get it.

I admit it, it’s taken me almost an entire school year with Hazel to get it, but I do. Hoodies, or any great sweatshirt- are so soft and comfy you never want to take them off. And in their pride and resolution to be out as non-binary, the rainbow sweatshirt serves two purposes: 1. lets people know about LGBT? rights and 2. comforts Hazel as being the messenger of said purpose.

Or at least, that’s my guess!

We make sure we wash it from time to time. Our kids are not the cleanest. And this is normal- kids have favorite clothes, jackets, hoodies, etc. like we all do, and we have to tear them off almost to get them to wear other things. But it all works out.

Overall, what I understand about non-binary so far is that it is a grey area. My oldest child may date other teens who identify as cisgender, lesbian, gay, bisexual, transexual, or non-labeling at the time. Hazel is saying that they are not going to simply buy into the binary, cisgender, or straight majority culture as we know it. Wow!

Where do they get such an independent spirit from? Or the courage with which to do this? Perhaps my husband and I inspire them to step out and claim who they are.

Hazel has said that as adolescence began and they became a teenager– how did they get to be 13 and half years old already anyway?! My God, time is flying!!!— they knew that what I would call “girlie girl” traits with the hair and makeup and outfits done certain ways for instance didn’t quite fit them. Metoo.

The tales they tell me from their school about 8th grade! Girls decide to date boys for a while and make fun of them for not doing so.

They dated a girl in the beginning of the year and how it seems to have labeled them. Now there seems to be a boy who identifies as a boy who’s interested in them but they are not sure what’s going to happen there.

Some of this all sounds vaguely familiar from when I was an 8th grader and from when I taught 8th grade– the drama of hormones and who’s dating who and who’s broke up with who and who’s back together again— but now kids like mine are also wanting to experiment with sexual identity. Duh.

Pretty cool actually. Or be more open with it. Of course, some of this has always been going on, but Hazel and their friends talk about it. And some of them, like them, wear their rainbows with pride. Cliche I know, but it really works.

Why label or box one’s self into one category? I will only date boys from now on for the rest of my life! Or I am gay, and that is it! Only girls or trans girls or bi girls or ….